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I travelled up to the North East of England recently to see my wife’s parents. My wife (Laura) had travelled up a few days earlier, so I made the journey up in our car on my own. It reminded me when we were first dating & she was studying in Sunderland, whereas I was working in Liverpool. I’ve got fond memories of our long distance relationship. More so, considering most people seem to believe they don’t work.

I realised back then I hadn’t yet been diagnosed with any mental illness. So although I had suffered from, at least depression, I was blissfully unaware that was what it was. I never knew what I wanted to do, work-wise, back then, but I was confident I could turn my hand to most things. So I suppose my outlook was ‘the world is my oyster’ kind of thing. After just six months since I left Uni I had paid off my credit card debt on only £150 a week wage. I was confident I’d soon be in a job where I’d be earning at least the national average. At which point I would then start making repayments on my student loans. Meh, I never got there (there being the national average wage) in the end, but hey-ho that’s life.

It got me thinking of those ‘sliding doors’ moments in all our lives, where you think what if… My what if, is how would my life be different if I didn’t have a mental illness.

I know a lot of people say ‘I don’t believe in regrets. Everything in life has made me who I am today’. Which is fine, but come on, most of us have done something we regret & if we could change it we would. Personally I think it’s fine to have regrets, but the important thing is not to dwell & stew over them. It’s the past, you can’t change it so what’s the point.

What are your ‘What if’ moment?

 

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Well I’ve had an eventful-ish week on the job, so I’ll go through some of the funny things I’ve come across. The ‘lovely’ children of the UK have been off school this week for half-term & not surprisingly they feature in said eventful-ish-ness (I really need to stop making up words and whacking in hyphens willy nilly).

Story 1

Tuesday 10:30 – I’m walking down your typical street/road, posting letters, parcels & all manner of junk mail, when a football fizzes past my head. I turn round to see two girls, aged around seven or eight years old, giggling & whispering consiprationally. This can’t be good!

10:31 – The football bounces off a wall where I was standing no less than two seconds ago…”Are you trying to hit me with that?” I ask very innocently. “You’ve got no chance, I’m way too quick for you”. Big mistake!

10:32 – The girls, now fuelled with the determination of proving me wrong, are pinging the ball all around me. After managing to engage them with some conversation, I realise I’m dealing with some serious hoodlums. I mean, they even called me lad!

10:33 – I see a window of opportunity to get them on side when they utter the words “Ey mate, you got any Lazzy bands?” Translation…”Excuse me sir, have you got any elastic bands we may play with?” So I dig around my post bag & pass them some ‘lazzies’, thinking yep, I’m in the clear. Finally they’ll leave me alone.

10:35 – At this point I have locked my bike up & I’m going round with the post bag on my shoulders. I freeze & a shiver runs down my spine when I hear “Is this helmet yours lad?” I turn to see they have taken the helmet off my bike & are dangling it, in a come & chase us kind of way. Well I’m thinking, sod it no chance am I chasing you, I’ve got to get this crap delivered, so If I lose my helmet so be it.

10:45 – I get back to my bike & no helmet is to be seen. One of the girls is lurking about & I ask “where is the helmet”. This is met with a scowl & “what helmet?” I’m actually pissed off at this point, mainly as I’ll need to explain to work that two little girls stole my helmet & I need a new one. Aahh the ribbing that will follow…

10:49 – Cycling my bike to the next road I come across both hoodlums together & so I change my approach. “Your parents must be so proud to have raised thieves!”….”What?”…”Your parents, they must be so proud to have raised thieves.” I leave the bike again ignoring the kids, half expecting everything in the side panniers to disappear. Maybe even the panniers themselves.

10:59 – I round a corner & head back to my bike. Low & behold there is the helmet dangling from the handlebars! One of the girls even had the audacity to say “it wasn’t us it was a boy down the road.” I thanked them for returning the helmet, but added “I saw you take it.”

11:10 – Further on my round I see the girls again & one even apologised for taking the helmet. Who knew reverse psychology worked outside of sitcoms 😀

Story 2

A much briefer one this time…

I’m delivering the post to a rough estate & and a couple of teenagers around 15-16 years old are talking outside their house. As I’m delivering to their house one of them comes out with a classic line “Arrgghh I haven’t got another ASBO letter have I?” Too which his friend replies “Nah mate, don’t worry about them, it’s letters that say to the ‘parent/guardian of’ you’ve got worry about.” UK youth at it’s finest there folks.

For those of you outside the UK, an ASBO stands for Anti Social Behaviour Order. High calibre citizens right there!

Story 3

Yesterday I was at the beginning of my round & went to step over a fence…crunch…the inside of my knee impacts the concrete top of said fence. You know that part in your knee & elbow that when hit, feels like the whole socket is jarred, well that was the centre of impact. I went down like a sack of spuds!

“Aarrrgghhhhhh fucking hell”, clutching my left knee. Naturally I managed to scatter the letters I was carrying across both sides of the fence. Whilst down for the count, I look up & see a cute woman walking past. Now she did a good effort of hiding a smile at my misfortune, but the tell-tale upper pull from the side of her mouth gave that away. Kindly she asked if I was ok, but she didn’t even break stride.

A woman rushed out of her house thinking I’d had a heart attack or something. I didn’t think it prudent to suggest that if you see someone fall down holding their knee, the likelihood of a heart attack is remote. Instead I laughed, trying to force the embarrassment from my face & said it was my own bloody fault for cutting short & stepping over the fence.

What made me really smile was I’d watched Blood Diamond the night before. I really don’t think I’d do well in such war torn situations. You know, what with me going down with an innocuous hit to the knee…

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I was doing my postie round this morning &, whilst listening to the radio, the topic of Captain Pugwash came on. The presenters were talking about the innuendo that can be seen in kids TV cartoons & yep, Captain Pugwash came up!

I don’t think the escapades of Captain Pugwash made it out of the UK, & if I’m honest, I’m not even sure it was made here to begin with. But the cast of certain character names was hilarious…The three that stand out are…Sea-man Stains, Master-Bates & of course Roger the Cabin Boy! I mean come on, how did those names get past the censor commission. Bloody glad they did though as that is classic innuendo right there 🙂

The thing that had me smiling & laughing most this morning, was that one of the presenters didn’t get the innuendo in Roger The Cabin Boy. Specifically & I quote “Really? I didn’t know roger meant that!”. While all the other presenters were laughing at this in the background, one of his female colleagues had to write it down on a piece of paper for him.

The cutest thing is, the innuendo would go right over the heads of kids & is just fun for ‘adults’.

Anyway, I thought I had to share it. Let me know of innuendo laden kids programmes where you’re from.

I only realised later on that I may have scared some people on my round…cut to me with a demonic gurning like grin on my face, asking a customer to sign a package I had for them 😉

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Really good news! I got the extension in my contract. It was due to run out on 27th December 2012, but now its extended until 28th March 2013.

I didn’t realise it but it had been playing on my mind more than I thought. I feel much more relaxed with work now. The other bonus is I can enjoy Christmas without worrying about finding a job.

I hope you’re all doing well or at least better than you may have. Sorry for not commenting on your blogs. I have skim read, but I don’t have much time at the moment.

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Now for all you who saw the title & thought “Oh I’ll read this & laugh” tough. It’s not based on any bad days at work as my previous postman adventures have been (see previous links three links for laughs). No this is more of a prediction of dodgy times for me to come in my outdoorsy job. It’s icy outside now people & it can only be so long before I encounter the dreaded black ice & go arse over tit, either on foot or over my handle bars.

Wish me luck as I’m sure I’ll need it for winter’s long icy days!

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Yep, that tumble weed above pretty much sums up my blog this last week. I haven’t posted since last Sunday. Bad Graham!

The main reason for this is work I suppose. Still getting used to working & as it involves a lot of walking & cycling I’m ‘over tired’ when I get in. Also I’m reading a good book at the mo & that’s eating into my spare time too.

Well I’m up early for a Saturday 05:40! I wasn’t planning on getting up until 07:00 (work today 😦 ). I did have a really intense dream involving my brothers though. My two older brothers don’t really get on well together. They haven’t from a young age. The eldest bullied the younger one when they were kids & that’s basically where it it all stems from. Anyway in my dream we were all together (a rare occasion) & the brother I get on well with (the younger one…but older than me…so I suppose we can call him the middle one…or Dave seeing as that’s his name) starting acting strange. He hit one of his kids for messing about & although my nephew was being naughty it didn’t warrant being hit. Anyway I blew up at Dave for this & ended up clocking him right on the kisser. That was the end of the get together.

That was the end of that part of the dream & yes Dave I pretty much knocked you out, so at least that reflects reality 😀

Anywhoozles that random post will suit for my return. I hope you haven’t missed me too much? Plenty of comments & likes saying you have will only fuel my ego…

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I typed in “Words/Phrases That Make You Laugh pictures” into Google & this cute image came up, so I thought I’d share.

1. Moist – I have the humour of a teenager, so there you go.

2. Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you’re up to.

3. How can I soar with the Eagles when I’m surrounded by Turkeys – Always a good one to share with your work colleagues.

4. I’ll be sober tomorrow but you’ll be ugly for the rest of your life – Good old Winston Churchill. He said this to a woman who pulled him up on being drunk 🙂

5. You! Out Of The Gene Pool…Now! – I see people on a daily basis this applies to.

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