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Archive for the ‘Shits & Giggles’ Category

Theeee funniest moment in British radio broadcasting, in my own humble opinion of course. I was very proud when a few years ago the British public stood up & gave the finger to Simon Cowell & the X Factor. Joe McElderry was due to pick up his Christmas number one, after winning the X Factor, but an internet campaign to get Rage Against The Machines’s, Won’t Do What You Tell Me won out on the day.

Below is the recording of the live broadcast & below that is the BBC 5 Live recording. If you just want to hear the BBC reaction, tune into the 2nd clip at 8:50. It’s a very stiff upper lip reaction from the female presenter, as oppose to the male presenter’s “Meh, it’s funny” kind of attitude.

This never fails to make me smile. Come on what did they expect! 😀

 

 

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I’m 6ft tall & so on my postman round I regularly step over fences up to around 3ft. So it came as a great surprise, when I went arse over tit when encountering an obstacles of no more than 2ft!

Now to flesh out the image of my tumble somewhat, we’re still in the grips of a heatwave in Britain & so when clothes are, ummm, clinging to your skin from the heat, they restrict your movement. I was however, unaware I was in this state of restricted movement! There I was flicking through the mail to make sure I had the right letters for the right address. Next I’m sizing up the offending obstacle, which is the concrete footer of a fence. The fence had ironically been removed for repair & was now lying on the ground in the garden. So, back to sizing up the obstacle, like an Olympic Hurdler, up goes my lead right leg…Oh shit, restriction of shorts, cant’t. quite. make. it. over…only to hit the concrete footer. My momentum was having none of this stopping business & sent me flailing like a lobotomised Gibbon. My left foot lifted successfully over the obstacle, but my right was going no where, causing my left foot to slip on contact with the other side of the fence. The momentum, now in a stutter stall type affair, caused my 6ft, 85kg ish frame to go down under Newton’s damn Eureka moment.

You would think, at this point of impending collision with floor, I’d simply put out my arms & break my fall. You would be wrong! Instead I wind-milled comediacally, scattering the post I was carrying in both arms, landing on both my forearms. Landing ironically on the fence that was in need of repair, no doubt now in need of more repair. I stayed down for about 20 seconds to gather myself & make sure noting was broken. Women stop rolling your eyes at a man exaggerating any kind of self injury. I skinned my shin, a little blood even dripped onto my sock. I over extended my right knee cap, but being the hero that I obviously am I walked it off. My right forearm was grazed slightly, but now has a nice bruise showing.

Thankfully there was no canine waiting to chew my face off, as the pic above may have suggested. The pic just made me smile when I saw it.

Now to the point of this post. There isn’t one, except to make you smile. I hope I was successful.

It’s a true story though & I’m finally coming around to the conclusion that just maybe I’m a little clumsy. Nah, I’m an Olympic Hurdler!

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I know a certain Blogger called Lexi from Thee Truth Is who likes learning new words from around the world. Not necessarily words in another language, but slang words or variations in how we say things. So in America the first two that come to mind would be ‘Trunk’ & ‘Sidewalk’, whereas the English UK version is ‘Boot’ & ‘Pavement’ respectively.

A slang example in Britain would be ‘come over here’. Translate that into Scouse, spoken by people from Liverpool, (Beatles territory) & where I live, you get ‘come ed’. I do remember people thinking I was offending them when I first went to Uni. They assumed I was calling them a cum head 🙂

Anyway language lesson over. Have a look at this cover of Carly Rae Jepsen’s Call Me Maybe. It’s sung by two girls from Newcastle using their unique Geordie slang…

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This should make you laugh & brighten up your day too.

Seriously, if dogs had half a brain they’d be dangerous! 😀

 

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babysitting photo: babysitting babysitting.jpg

2 Nephews + 1 over tired wifey = Uncle Graham is top notch daddy material…

To break the above formulae down… We have my two adoreable nephews, Ben (7) and Alex (5), for the weekend having an extended sleepover and my gorgeous wife Laura who is… well knackered and at her wits end, because said nephews are running rings round her. I however, am enjoying their company immensely and I’ve even helped them complete their homework already. It’s not even Sunday!

Now to quote Laura ‘Listening to you do their homework with them earlier was soooo cute. You’re really good at it and I didn’t think you would be. You’ll be a great dad’. Which is how we get to the ‘Uncle Graham is top notch daddy material’ finale part of the formulae.

Now if you haven’t guessed I’ve drunk a bottle of red wine and so this post, whilst appearing hilarious, groundbreaking and amazing in my head, is probs more accurately described as wtf is this guy on about…

Back to the post…basically I’m really enjoying this weekend with my wife and nephews. I’ve been on the reverse end where I’m knackered, the kids are running rings round me and Laura is coming across as Mother Nature personified. And believe me those babysitting nightmares have ended with yours truly handing over the kids as though I was on the run from the Black Death.

Now I’m blogging this particular post from my iPad for the first time and well…it’s thee Shiites blogging experience I’ve had to date. Apple you really need to get ur act together as from what I can tell a PC kicks your arse on this every time. That said maybe my poor experience is down to user error. If anyone can advise me on how t…..ummmm ignore the last paragraph I’ve figured how to blog effectively from mu iPad. Sorry apple! Well…I did say I was a wee bit drunk.

Ummm at this point I would like to link to notes from a she hermit simply as she is theeeee funniest blogger I’ve stumbled across. And the particular link above shows how she does a much funnier post than I could ever hope to on babysitting. Yeah, the whole post I’m writing at this moment is an attempt at humour, but I fear is failing dismally on that point.

uugghhh yet again, one has lost ones thread, which is downright careless. Errrr…..ok enough…I’m off to bed.

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Well I’ve had an eventful-ish week on the job, so I’ll go through some of the funny things I’ve come across. The ‘lovely’ children of the UK have been off school this week for half-term & not surprisingly they feature in said eventful-ish-ness (I really need to stop making up words and whacking in hyphens willy nilly).

Story 1

Tuesday 10:30 – I’m walking down your typical street/road, posting letters, parcels & all manner of junk mail, when a football fizzes past my head. I turn round to see two girls, aged around seven or eight years old, giggling & whispering consiprationally. This can’t be good!

10:31 – The football bounces off a wall where I was standing no less than two seconds ago…”Are you trying to hit me with that?” I ask very innocently. “You’ve got no chance, I’m way too quick for you”. Big mistake!

10:32 – The girls, now fuelled with the determination of proving me wrong, are pinging the ball all around me. After managing to engage them with some conversation, I realise I’m dealing with some serious hoodlums. I mean, they even called me lad!

10:33 – I see a window of opportunity to get them on side when they utter the words “Ey mate, you got any Lazzy bands?” Translation…”Excuse me sir, have you got any elastic bands we may play with?” So I dig around my post bag & pass them some ‘lazzies’, thinking yep, I’m in the clear. Finally they’ll leave me alone.

10:35 – At this point I have locked my bike up & I’m going round with the post bag on my shoulders. I freeze & a shiver runs down my spine when I hear “Is this helmet yours lad?” I turn to see they have taken the helmet off my bike & are dangling it, in a come & chase us kind of way. Well I’m thinking, sod it no chance am I chasing you, I’ve got to get this crap delivered, so If I lose my helmet so be it.

10:45 – I get back to my bike & no helmet is to be seen. One of the girls is lurking about & I ask “where is the helmet”. This is met with a scowl & “what helmet?” I’m actually pissed off at this point, mainly as I’ll need to explain to work that two little girls stole my helmet & I need a new one. Aahh the ribbing that will follow…

10:49 – Cycling my bike to the next road I come across both hoodlums together & so I change my approach. “Your parents must be so proud to have raised thieves!”….”What?”…”Your parents, they must be so proud to have raised thieves.” I leave the bike again ignoring the kids, half expecting everything in the side panniers to disappear. Maybe even the panniers themselves.

10:59 – I round a corner & head back to my bike. Low & behold there is the helmet dangling from the handlebars! One of the girls even had the audacity to say “it wasn’t us it was a boy down the road.” I thanked them for returning the helmet, but added “I saw you take it.”

11:10 – Further on my round I see the girls again & one even apologised for taking the helmet. Who knew reverse psychology worked outside of sitcoms 😀

Story 2

A much briefer one this time…

I’m delivering the post to a rough estate & and a couple of teenagers around 15-16 years old are talking outside their house. As I’m delivering to their house one of them comes out with a classic line “Arrgghh I haven’t got another ASBO letter have I?” Too which his friend replies “Nah mate, don’t worry about them, it’s letters that say to the ‘parent/guardian of’ you’ve got worry about.” UK youth at it’s finest there folks.

For those of you outside the UK, an ASBO stands for Anti Social Behaviour Order. High calibre citizens right there!

Story 3

Yesterday I was at the beginning of my round & went to step over a fence…crunch…the inside of my knee impacts the concrete top of said fence. You know that part in your knee & elbow that when hit, feels like the whole socket is jarred, well that was the centre of impact. I went down like a sack of spuds!

“Aarrrgghhhhhh fucking hell”, clutching my left knee. Naturally I managed to scatter the letters I was carrying across both sides of the fence. Whilst down for the count, I look up & see a cute woman walking past. Now she did a good effort of hiding a smile at my misfortune, but the tell-tale upper pull from the side of her mouth gave that away. Kindly she asked if I was ok, but she didn’t even break stride.

A woman rushed out of her house thinking I’d had a heart attack or something. I didn’t think it prudent to suggest that if you see someone fall down holding their knee, the likelihood of a heart attack is remote. Instead I laughed, trying to force the embarrassment from my face & said it was my own bloody fault for cutting short & stepping over the fence.

What made me really smile was I’d watched Blood Diamond the night before. I really don’t think I’d do well in such war torn situations. You know, what with me going down with an innocuous hit to the knee…

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