Archive for the ‘Family’ Category


I travelled up to the North East of England recently to see my wife’s parents. My wife (Laura) had travelled up a few days earlier, so I made the journey up in our car on my own. It reminded me when we were first dating & she was studying in Sunderland, whereas I was working in Liverpool. I’ve got fond memories of our long distance relationship. More so, considering most people seem to believe they don’t work.

I realised back then I hadn’t yet been diagnosed with any mental illness. So although I had suffered from, at least depression, I was blissfully unaware that was what it was. I never knew what I wanted to do, work-wise, back then, but I was confident I could turn my hand to most things. So I suppose my outlook was ‘the world is my oyster’ kind of thing. After just six months since I left Uni I had paid off my credit card debt on only £150 a week wage. I was confident I’d soon be in a job where I’d be earning at least the national average. At which point I would then start making repayments on my student loans. Meh, I never got there (there being the national average wage) in the end, but hey-ho that’s life.

It got me thinking of those ‘sliding doors’ moments in all our lives, where you think what if… My what if, is how would my life be different if I didn’t have a mental illness.

I know a lot of people say ‘I don’t believe in regrets. Everything in life has made me who I am today’. Which is fine, but come on, most of us have done something we regret & if we could change it we would. Personally I think it’s fine to have regrets, but the important thing is not to dwell & stew over them. It’s the past, you can’t change it so what’s the point.

What are your ‘What if’ moment?



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I met with H (my prick of a father) & P, the brother I don’t get on great with.
Harry is still in prison, but he gets a few days release every month to prepare him for getting out. We needed to discuss about him coming out, where he’ll live & what we do with the family home. I want to sell the home, as it would really help out me & wife financially right now. Add to that we want to have kids and can’t because of our finances just adds to the problem. Harry recently mentioned in a letter he doesn’t want to sell the house until the market improves, so we get more for it.
So when this came up at the meeting I put across my situation. What was his response?… ‘That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, you’ve got a lot to learn about life!’
‘Really, so killing your wife and ending up in prison is the way to go, is that what you’re telling me? ‘ He didn’t react well to that! He went on to spew vile shit about how he only snapped because my mum attacked him, she was a bitch who slept with all and sundry blah fucking blah.
So there I was sat in a fucking coffee shop, with him saying that to two of his sons, who he had murdered their mother. I was really wanted to drag him across the table & pummel the shit out of him. Thankfully I’m not my fathers son!
So he’s adamant that its his house, he will live there when he comes out & he alone will decide when we sell.
Stupid prick doesn’t seem to realise he can’t make any financial gain from the crime he committed. The mortgage wasn’t paid off on the house when he killed her. It was only paid off because of what he did. So I believe half is his and the other half is mine P and D’s.
I’m going to sort this out and force the ‘father figure’ to dance to my tune.
Damn I’ve ground my teeth more in these last two days than I have In my whole life.
Sooooooooo fucking angry
Thanks for listening 🙂

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Remember I recently did a post about wanting to get more involved in mental health? Well, have a look at the post below on Where I Stand, where I’m now a guest blogger 🙂


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Concorde & Me

Concorde & Me


Last weekend I went to stay at the in-laws on Saturday night with Laura. We went to a wedding anniversary & whilst there one of my friends asked me to do a post centred more on me. We’ll call here Concorde. Her cousin used to to call her that at Uni, & well, as she doesn’t like it, I thought I’d share it with you all 😉

She said she wants to know what’s going on with me & although the videos I post are fine, she wants to be able to see how I’m doing. I think that’s what she said…well we were at a party & it was loud…what with everyone playing bingo! What can I say that’s how they roll in Billingham, Teeside, UK. Keith Richards just wouldn’t keep up…

OK enough procrastinating & on to how I’ve been. My current work contract runs out on 28th July & I know that’s been playing on my mind the last couple of weeks. Even though I had some good feedback two or three weeks ago, until you get the green light & you get the new contract, there is always that little niggle in the back of your noggin reminding you not to count your chicks blah blah. Happily, just this morning I got confirmation from one of my managers that they have recommended me for another contract :). So that niggle in the noggin is down to a smaller niggle & will be blown away completely when my new contract arrives in the post.

The weather in Britain has been great these last three weeks. We’re in a heatwave! Something we rarely have on these shores, believe me. Now to be more accurate, the weather is great IF you don’t work outdoors in it. I love it on the days I’m off, but dear god, when I’m in work, come the end of the day, I feel like I will melt into a puddle of…well a puddle of me basically. I noticed in the first week it was affecting my mood. My body doesn’t cope with hot weather at the best of times, so when I’m out pounding the streets delivering mail (maybe I should stop pounding & just walk. Hmmmm I could be onto something there) my body just wants to shut down.

I’ve made a few changes in the way I work to help combat the heat. I’ve stopped cycling to & from work for now & I’m using my car instead. I’m drinking much more fluids on my round, a mix of water & Lucozade Sport. So I’m slowly but surely getting better handling this hot weather. By the time I’m on top of it, it will be winter & I won’t know what’s hit me. Then I’ll be whining about the cold & rain, trying to elicit even more sympathy out of you guys 🙂

Ummmm what else is going on with me…Oh I’m off to see my brothers in a couple of hours to talk more about the house & when we’ll be selling it. Hopefully that’ll go well & there’ll be no histrionics from P.

As for me & how I’m doing? Well right now I feel good. This pretty much sums up how I’ve been for the last 10 months, with a few blips here & there, but nothing I couldn’t handle.

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BBC Three are currently airing a mental health season & last night ‘Diaries Of A Broken Mind’ was on. It focuses on 25 people chronicling their lives via a handheld camera. It was very insightful, as it literally gives you an inside view of people lives with various mental health issues.

As many of you will know I have bipolar…umm for those that don’t…eyes up to the top of the page…hear that? Yep a few pennies dropped right there 😉 Sorry I went of on a tangent there. So I have bipolar, but what this season of mental health programmes is giving me, is a wealth of information & knowledge on other mental health disorders out there.

Have a look at the episode I watched last night. I noticed the uploader’s comment on YouTube mentioned he’d received copyright infringement due to the music content in the programme. So if you can’t access this by the time you try let me know & I’ll change the link.

Let me know what you think?

I appreciate it’s a long documentary, so if you don’t have the time just click to 12mins in & watch until 13:30. This was my favourite part of the docmentary. Partly because of the amazing piece of music in the background, but also because it encompasses really well the stigma we face around mental health in just 1min 30secs.

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I watched the latest episode of the BBC documentary ‘Don’t Call Me Crazy’ & strange as it may sound I’m really enjoying it. I say strange simply because it’s not the kind of programme I would expect to enjoy. Since it is dealing with mental health I would expect to find it hard viewing, but instead I find myself routing for the patients hoping they can beat their demons whatever they are.

In this episode it continues focus on Beth & Gill, who suffer from an eating disorder & anger issues respectively. There is also a new patient called Crystal who suffers from vivid halucinations in the form ‘good’ characters & ‘bad’ characters.

The link for the episode is below. As ever let me know what you think?

I’ve also put the link in for the the first episode, if you want to catch it.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vDUwcSMmqDU – Episode 2

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9Oo72MNg-z8 – Episode 1

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I read this on Bipolar Out Load. It’s a great article Nellie has written about, well, ‘Building Your Own Happiness’. I sometimes struggle to read large posts, as this one is, but it’s definitely worth reading part of it, leaving it & then coming back to read the rest.

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